New Years Resolutions for Denmark

At this time of year it is customary for people to consider the things they might like to change.

But what about New Year’s resolutions for entire nations? I am on record as believing the Danes to be ‘almost nearly perfect’. I love Denmark and am extremely grateful that I am allowed to live here even though I still don’t fully understand the rules at the municipal dump. But even in Denmark, there is room for improvement.

Forgive less

As Shakespeare once put it, ‘Sweet mercy is nobility’s true badge’, but there is such a thing as too much mercy. The Danes can be a little too forgiving of public figures who transgress or are convicted of crimes. I am thinking here about the mad racists and the law-breaking journalists who still get to ask the prime minister questions at press conferences; the politicians who misuse EU funds but return to front line politics after a brief sojourn; cyclists who take banned substances but end up running professional Tour de France teams; prime ministers who lead us into illegal wars but end up as ‘wise old statesmen’; and unrepentant sex pest film producers whom the media still seem to regard as comedy uncles. If these people lack the character to do the decent thing and withdraw from public life, then it’s up to ordinary Danes to make it clear they are no longer wanted.

Try a little chit-chat

Having lived among the taciturn Danes for so long, when I return to England I am almost overwhelmed by how talkative people are in shops, on public transport etc. ‘Why is this person at the bus stop small-talking to me about the weather?’ I ask myself, suspiciously.

Everyone always claims to hate small talk but I have come to believe that vacuous chit chat is the invisible lubricant of a civilised society. So, dear Danes, would a greeting at the check-out, or a nod and a ‘god dag!’ when you pass another dog walker in the park be out of the question? A smile as you sit down in the opposite seat on the train perhaps? Repeat after me: ‘Tschhh, weather’s not too bad for the time of year, is it?’ 

Cut back on the evening magazine shows on TV. And the morning ones.

There simply aren’t enough guests to go round. There are only so many times you need to hear about Peter Schmeichel’s musical career.

Less Hygge

Not everything has to be hyggeligt.

Enough with the taxes

I realise that much of what makes Denmark so great is founded in the redistribution of wealth via taxes. Economic equality is the granite bedrock of the fabled Danish ‘happiness’. But the taxes in this country are the highest in the world. There are other ways to get into the Guinness Book of Records you know. Have you considered speed-eating hot dogs? 

Cut noise pollution on public transport

I’m calling for a ban talking on mobile phones all busses, trains, the Metro and S-tog? Why not? They’ve done it in Japan. And may god have mercy on your soul if you ever sit next to me and start playing music through the speaker of your phone. When I become President of Earth, that will carry a hard labour prison sentence.

Give up cinnamon

It tastes like the rotting corpse of a gingerbread man.

Pay more attention to Germany

I realise that America has been unusually entertaining these past few years, but now that they have elected a non-psychopath to the White House, how about we turn out attention to the neighbour to the south? Can you remember the last news story you heard from Germany that didn’t involve ‘the far right’? What’s happened in German literature since Gunther Grass? Can you name a German comedian? How’s German cuisine these days? No one has the faintest idea.

Lay off the Swedes

In a similar vein, the ongoing low-level animosity of many Danes towards the Swedes - greatly amplified when alcohol is imbibed - is quite perplexing to outsiders. It reminds me of the equally tedious attitude of some Brits towards the French. Such a waste of energy. Get over it: they won. Yes, the Swedes can be a little sanctimonious and stiff but they’re having a rough year, cut them some slack. Who knows, perhaps their fuck-ups might make them a little less superior.

Cut back just a little on the handball

I get it: the Danes have picked a sport which works well indoors in winter, in which almost no one else is interested, a simple sport that you have managed to make virtually impenetrable to outsiders. The English did the same with snooker. But when I turn on the TV and see live coverage on DR1, at peak time on a Saturday evening, of a handball match in Herning, and the stands are half-full because there isn’t enough interest in the match even among the people of Herning, even though it is a Danish championship, or the European championship, or the World championship, or the Olympics, or whether it’s men’s or women’s handball, or whatever totally vital tournament is demanding our attention this week, I do begin to wonder whether it is time to cut back a little. Have you considered cricket?

Stop joining the motorway like that little girl barging into her dad’s office when he was being interviewed on live TV by the BBC that time.

It is the responsibility of the driver who is joining the motorway from the slip road to match his speed to the other vehicles. Would a signal be too much to ask? At the very least, could you maybe take a glance over your left shoulder?

Move out of Copenhagen

Copenhageners are forever complaining there are too many people in their city. That housing is so expensive. It’s noisy. The restaurants and bars are getting out of hand. People are having TOO MUCH FUN. Here’s an idea: move. Move to Holbæk or Møn. Go on. Try it. It’s not so bad, and Copenhagen is never more than an hour or so away wherever you go.

Calm the fuck down on the cycle lanes.

It’s Jagtvej, not a remake of ‘Mad Max: Fury Road’.

Get Woke

Danes are a reactionary bunch. They don’t like being told what to say, or particularly, what not to say. But, guys, it’s time to read the runes. This whole woke thing - whether it’s Black Lives Matter, #MeToo, gender-neutral pronouns, LGBTQ rights, or the next wave that I suspect is on the way - people taking a closer look at all those companies, institutions, and ‘respectable’ families whose wealth originated in slavery - these movements are not going to go away. Better get used to them. Embrace them even. It’ll be much easier in the long run.

END